JULY 25 — Malaysians are often cynical about our abilities to be the “best” in the world. More often than not, Malaysians are often tagged as “Jaguh Kampung”. (If you are wondering what a “jaguh kampung” looks like, simply go buy a copy of “The Malaysian Book of Records.” Consistent with the concept, the publisher was awarded a Datukship after this “record” of putting together a book of Malaysian “records.”)
Anyway, I would like to list the world-class achievements of Malaysians. This list is not exhaustive and is based purely on my observations. Perhaps they may make it to “The Malaysian Book of Records.”
1) DVDs
I have been told that our pirated DVDs are “best of the best” when it comes to “quality.” Anything shown in Hollywood today will appear in the Bangsar night market 48 hours later. The picture quality is first-class and the words “preview only” will appear once in a while. (My note: Actually one can download these latest from torrent sites like Torrentz)
2) Credit cards scams
Malaysian-made fake credit cards appeared to be the “best” in terms of “quality, so much so that one person was able to use these cards to buy A$400,000 (RM1.1 million) worth of goods in Australia. The Australians even suspect Malaysia to be the “hub” of credit card scams.
3) Public relations
There is no doubt in my mind that when it comes to PR work, nobody can beat the Malaysian government. Problems with high level corruption? No problem, just rename the Anti-Corruption Agency (ACA) to Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC), or officially Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia (SPRM). There is talk now that we need a name change again since a “witness” can fly out of a window after questioning by MACC.
Problems with human rights violations such as detention without trial and police brutality? No problem, establish the Human Rights Commission of Malaysia (Suhakam). Produce report after report to keep the human rights lobby happy that “something is done” or “under investigation.” This will buy you time — usually one or two years. Send the reports to Parliament where it will end up as “non-essential readings.” Make sure the Commissioners are paid handsomely and rotated often.
4) Ease of doing business
When it comes to doing business, we lead the world in terms of making it easy for foreigners to do business in Malaysia. For example, if you plan to sell a submarine to Malaysia, it is as simple as 1-2-3.
Step 1: Overprice (sorry, I mean product margin) the submarine (a second-hand one is OK) by RM1 billion. Appoint a middleman — or “consultants” as we call them in Malaysia — who can get the S&P (sale and purchase agreement) ready in 24 hours.
Step 2: Establish a maintenance company. This is very important because if the submarine or product is second-hand, it may not dive at all without a complete “recond.” For this reason alone, you need to hire a translator so that all the official contract documents are in a funny language that no Malaysian can understand. It will be a bonus if the translator is a beautiful young lady.
Step 3: Collect your payment before the submarine arrives in Malaysia. And make sure the consultant and translator are paid; otherwise all sorts of things can happen!
--http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/opinion/article/towering-malaysians/
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